Loss is a sore subject with anyone, whether it is the loss of a relative, a friend or a public figure. I have suffered loss in my life unlike the lucky few who never experience the loss of someone you truly care for. I have always been lucky in the sense that my loss was backed up with family and friends who were there for me. I want to mention a few people that I have lost because I feel like I can share that here with people that are my friends. It has taken me a long time to consider writing this and thinking about how I dealt with my own personal losses. A lot of the time people deal with loss in a different way some people easier than others but for me I take loss really hard. I recently loss someone very very special to me and Nathan ( i'm hoping you can guess) and it has taken me such a long time to get my head around it and not blame myself which is what I did when I lost my gran as well I blamed myself. Here goes...
My first ever loss that I experienced was the loss of my gran, after 13 years of her being in my life it was the biggest blow. It has been 7 years since I lost my gran to Cancer but there isn't a single day I don't think of her and how crazy she was. Like I said I blame a lot for my gran dying I know I don't have magic powers that gives people disease and things but she helped me when I needed help and I couldn't help her in return. If you would like to see why check out my post on her here which just describes why she means so much to me. Anyway, even now to this day I miss my gran she was really wise and funny and I can never replaced that light in my life. However, only now for the past 2/3 years have I started to deal with it and do more things to make her proud of me. One of my biggest supports was Nathan as I honestly believe my gran planned for us to meet as there were so many consequences between us both. My grans father was actually in the same battalion as Nathan which really made all my family happy, not to mention Nathan's mum and dad are called Sarah and Simon and those are mine and my older brothers middle names (ZoeSarah and Kyle Simon). These small coincidences really reminded me of my gran and in the past few years I had really picked my life up and started working hard for the job I wanted which I got straight away.
I suppose I am a very spiritual person and I believe my gran is an angel now, because when I am sad or scared I like talk to a picture of her and everything works out okay. I wanna be able to talk on here and tell the honest truth but for a long time after my gran passed I was very suicidal and I developed serious depression and anxiety. Feel free to judge me but I was bullied really bad and I actually took around 24 pain killers to overdose, luckily I am still here and I am so happy I am because meeting Nathan was one of the best decision of my life. I changed a lot of things in my life and inspired a lot of my life around my gran and her legacy. I know everything I do at work and me being closer with my mum would make my gran proud and honestly trying to make my gran proud still is how I deal with her passing. It is easier knowing she is out of pain and is probably having the best time in heaven, especially with her brother and the rest of her friends and family. I never see death as a goodbye but always a see you later, that is my favourite quote and I think it whenever I am sad and missing my gran. I am a very sentimental person so I keep photos off my gran with me and a necklace that she wore, that really comforts me massively. To me time is the biggest healer and that is a big factor on how I have coped because I need to keep making my gran proud and my family.
Onto the toughest topic to me, one that I have only brought to light recently. I know I am only 20 years old but 20 is better than 15/16 anyway me and Nathan did loose a child around 2 months ago now. It has taken me this long to talk about it because it really hurts the both of me but Nathan keeps it inside. We have wanted kids for around a year and a half and we were so excited. I am not giving massive details away because it does hurt me to write this but if I wasn't honest I would be me and this blog is about my army relationship too. We had began to buy things and just like my gran dealing with this I keep there things with me like a little bib or their comforter or a bear it helps a lot. I couldn't have coped without Nathan and my closest friends, I was angry at first because a lot of Nathan's army friends began to spread rumours and the wives were trying to get involved and get information out of the both of us but we kept this really personal.
This is obviously the early stages of loss, but I am a lot better than I first was because the smallest things made me cry. Me and Nathan both have things to remind us of our little one I think it comforts us both, I think loss honestly makes you want to help and if it is for a specific reason that you loss this person to a specific reason like cancer or stillbirth then it makes you want to help others whether that is charity or if someone goes through it as well. That is one amazing way to cope for me it was anyway, this helped me a lot more working with cancer charities for my gran and neonatal charities for our little one. It makes you think you are helping someone else even if you couldn't help someone close to you one of my closest friends actually donated some of her hair to the Little Princess Trust which was AMAZING. By making myself more active like the gym and going on long walks I have kept my mind from wondering and thinking about my sadness and grief. For me and Nathan especially we have also taken to do a lot more activities like the gym in preparation for our holiday, cinemas and meals together because we get to talk and have a nice time together. I had found that by doing something in their memory like charity event or just something small like letting off a bunch of balloons or a lantern really helps as I did this for my gran and my little one. It's all about what feels best for you...
I hope this helped people or just gave some comfort to anyone dealing with loss as well. No one should ever have to suffer with loss alone as it does hurt and being surrounded by strong and positive people is always the best way to cope. Well that is all my little loves.
All my love,
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