June Favourites

This month was a fun month with fashion and beauty as I tried plenty of new products and some golden staples in my collection. As the weather was a little better I was able to wear more summer appropriate clothes as I was absolutely baking in my Timberlands so I needed an urgent shoe haul and a change to my look. Along with fashion in the beauty section I was falling for the summery scents and colours with some very tropical body products that made me smell amazing! Anyway ENJOY!

So this month I had plenty of beauty/makeup favourites as you can see but I honestly feel recently that my style has changed massively as I was always a trainers/Timberlands kind of person and I would always wear long tops/blouses and subtle colours. Recently, I have really stepped out of my comfort zone as I have accepted my figure and I love the person that I am and how I look, so I am happy to flaunt my figure in different pieces. I think even though I am going to the gym and working out a lot more I have the figure that I have and I wish to slim down which is what I am trying to do. I have a weird like paranoia about short tops that show my bum I feel really uncomfortable as well as girly shoes as I don't think I can work them as well as others so this was a big step for me in the fashion department. 

Bardot Tops

I have enjoyed these tops so much recently, as the weather is getting warmer I want something more flowing and girly looking so these are perfect. Some of these tops drive me mad because they slide back up my shoulders but the one above I got from Primark for £10 and the one in my over view picture the khaki one for £12.99 in New Look. These look awesome with jeans and espadrilles and it is such a different thing for me to wear, but their are so many different types and colours that I just can't get enough of them.

Blue leather jacket £20 Select

This jacket is my favourite fashion piece at the minute, I received this as a christmas gift a few years ago off my mum and I have only recently started wearing this but it looks so awesome with a long white blouse and black jeans. It is such a bright colour and something I wouldn't have worn a few months ago but as I have lost over 2 stone I think I can wear this finally!

Black and white espadrilles £5 Primark

I have like 3 different pairs of these now and they feel so good! I bought these a while ago but I love them as they look so pretty with jeans and a blouse and even the jacket above which has been a staple look for me in the past few weeks. These are also easy to slip on when you are in a rush and when it's warm you are crazy to be wearing Timberlands like I was doing.

Onto the random favourites!

Nutri bar recipe

So me and Nathan go to this place called nutri bar in Bolton near our gym and it is amazing, they make like healthy meals and boxes that you create yourself. This is my favourite meal to make at home recently which consists off chicken, wholewheat pasta, sweet potato fries, cherry tomatoes, mixed pepper and light mayonnaise. Let me tell you it is amazing and a nice meal for after the gym without doing too much damage. 

Primark homeware

I am 100% in love with the Primark homeware section at the minute from the cutest cushions like above, or their summer range like their cactus pieces or copper. I was totally in love with the copper geometric fairy lights which were around £6 but they are super bright. There candles are phenomenal two of my favourites being the copper french vanilla scent and sea salt and lavender which actually smells like the famous Hollister scent! They are just doing all types of things for me at the minute in the homeware department as I love interior furnishings I seriously hope they carry on being amazing.

Onto beauty...

Soap and Glory The Scrub of your life 

I use this buffer to smooth the body, from rough elbows and dry shins to the backs of your arms. Its alluring scent of Soap & Glory's signature Original Pink Fragrance -combines fresh bergamot, mandarin, rose, jasmine, peach, strawberry, and soft musk & amber base note. It does such wonders for my skin!

Coconut Body Butter

Combined with the above product my skin has changed completely and is so soft! The smell is so strong but heavenly, my skin has changed so much and I am happy to now has lovely soft skin.

Monthly eye look! 

Maybelling Color Tattoo in 'on and on bronze' £4.99 and Mac's Naked Pigment £16

I have mentioned this eye look before and it is amazing and such a favourite! On and On Bronze is a gorgeous bronze shade with a lovely shimmer coming from underneath – without screaming discoball! Blended with a chocolate brown eyeshadow and the pigment in the inner corner is a match made in heaven!

Brush Egg

This product gets my brushes clean so much quicker it is a saint! I love this I use this with a little bit of shampoo and leave them to dry and the jobs done, I bought this on Amazon for £2 and it's the best cleaning tool I ever bought.

Mac Mineralize Skinfinish in 'Soft and Gentle' £24

I need every shade in the skinfinishes especially lightscapade as it looks gorgeous! This gives me such a beautiful sun kissed look and I recommend these to all my friends looking for a highlighter even though they are a little pricey. I honestly don't know know what I did before this highlighter it is my baby!

Well that is all my lovelies, feel free to comment your favourites!

All my love,

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Getting personal: I was cheated on...

I am thinking this might be a new series on my blog because I do think I can share personal things on here without people judging. I'm probably gonna make sure my ex can't see this as I dated two guys since him and this relationship was 4 years ago over a 2 year period but he still denies he cheated on me even though the guilt is SO OBVIOUS! I'm pretty sure he would kick off as well if he saw this and I'm sure people will tell him #SNAKES but oh well!

 

So I met this guy when I was 15 and in year 10 at high school, he was very charming at first and seemed a cool guy but there were little things that should have been warning bells to me but I didn't clock on. We were from schools which could be classed as 'opposing' schools because they were nearby so we met up after school one day and just talked and went to a park. While he was with me his phone was none stop ringing and vibrating and for some reason it wound me up so I asked who it was and he told me it was his ex girlfriend. After a few more constant rings I answered for him and told her to 'get lost' pretty much and thinking about it now it was a horrible thing to do but thankfully now me and this girl are actually friends and we think this guy is a complete joke. Anyway, when it came to the 'making it public' scenario he was really hesitant to change his relationship status on Facebook and claimed 'my ex girlfriend will be really mad' and I didn't understand why because she knew he met another girl. In my mind I thought this relationship was like 4 months ago like a while ago break up how wrong was I... 

So above is a 15 year old Zoesarah with my Superman tops and parka and knee high converse haha. I mean I'm not a nieve girl but why he thought he could treat me like I was stupid from the get go I have no idea but I suppose I was trying to see the best in a blossoming relationship. Anyway, he was always very secretive with his phone so the later the relationship went on the more I noticed it. About a month after we got together he was hit with a 'pregnancy bombshell' of his ex apparently and I see it now that his ex didn't want to let him go which I will explain shortly. When I broke up with this guy I spoke to his ex and a few of his friends that he lost for messing me around and he was actually dating his ex girlfriend when he met up with me like they were seeing each other still as they had got back together or tried to work things out and he straight out started talking to me telling me he was single which explains why she phoned so many times when I met up with him because she had found out he was meeting another girl. I would be just as gutted, the problem is with my ex he had a lot of 'girls he classed as sisters' and we all know when the girl and the guy say they are like a brother/sister to them that's total crap they are pretty much flirting and super close. 

Throughout the relationship I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but towards the middle/end of the relationship around 9 months I was sick of messages of girls saying 'he's met up with me' or 'he's cheating on you' and I had met some great friends through this guy but none of them told me really so I did feel really betrayed. The worse part was that all the girls messaging me were 3/4 years younger than me and he was using vulnerable girls for sex because I point blank refused. No one deserves that, that's why I'm 110% about Nathan now because he treats me exactly how I deserved and better.

It was always he wanted a good relationship with a girlfriend that watched him play for the sports team he loved, but when he didn't get he wanted from me he went to other girls who were nieve enough to fall for his sweet talk. I can't deny he was good with his words he would tell me we were going to have kids and get married and things meanwhile he was telling girls he loved them and he was going to be with them and the biggest blow was that I wasn't his girlfriend. I mean at this age on your statuses and Blackberry Messenger name I had his name with a heart and he would never have mine. I thought it was because of other girls it was like a little hint at his behaviour. When I asked other girls however they were saying when he did just put a Z with heart he claimed it was for a girl called Zoe he knew that had died. That was pretty much the downfall, then one day he left his phone on the side and I had to know but what I found confirmed everything. He was talking to a girl saying he loved her, she was his everything and this poor girl was completely fooled. After that day things just went downhill and I found out more and more, until the day it all came to a head. 

So the above picture and the other picture of me in the long white dress was my prom, and this was during our happier times. The day we broke up however was really bad I received a text from another girl that I knew was in the picture saying they were 'like brother/sister' finally saying he had met her and they slept together and things and I just lost it. I drove to his house and stormed in in front of his parents and went complete crazy calling him a cheat and some horrible swear words and told him it was over and stormed out. His parents told him I was the best girlfriend he ever had and not to loose me and he did, and instead of coming after me he decided to get straight onto his Facebook and change his relationship status. Meanwhile I went to his best friends house because he was an awesome friend and he helped me through it and even he agreed I deserved better. When i saw he changed his status I knew he was more interested in other girls than me so i wasted no time. It took me around a year and a half to move on from him and date other people but pretty much straight away I felt free and happy. Happier than I had felt in a long time, but at the end of the day I was willing to share the guy I loved with anymore girls I was physically and mentally done.

These days I see true love, I see a guy that really loves me and I am completely smitten by him and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. After me my ex decided to do the exact same with the girl I caught him talking too, like people say 'once a cheat always a cheat' and I honestly don't think he will change. But why should I care? I have Nathan and he is honestly perfect! I do sometimes keep in contact with my ex but for the oddest reason it comes across like he has a problem with Nathan. OKAY! Storytime, so Nathan came to see me at college and as I walked out of the entrance with my two best friends my ex was stood nearby with his friends and as soon as he saw me he followed me outside. When I reached Nathan he surprised me by bringing his gorgeous Rottweiler Bertha, I honestly love that dog so I was super happy! Anyway we must have been talking for 20 minutes and my ex was stood staring for ages and when Nathan left we went back inside and he was still there. Little weird... But hey whatever! 

I honestly believe I am a better person now with a loving partner and I am so blessed, but no one should be treated like I was especially being manipulated and lied too. Feel free to comment if you have had similar situations, but this is my cheating story! Thank you for reading my lovelies.

All my love, 

Getting personal: dealing with loss...

Loss is a sore subject with anyone, whether it is the loss of a relative, a friend or a public figure. I have suffered loss in my life unlike the lucky few who never experience the loss of someone you truly care for. I have always been lucky in the sense that my loss was backed up with family and friends who were there for me. I want to mention a few people that I have lost because I feel like I can share that here with people that are my friends. It has taken me a long time to consider writing this and thinking about how I dealt with my own personal losses. A lot of the time people deal with loss in a different way some people easier than others but for me I take loss really hard. I recently loss someone very very special to me and Nathan ( i'm hoping you can guess) and it has taken me such a long time to get my head around it and not blame myself which is what I did when I lost my gran as well I blamed myself. Here goes...

My first ever loss that I experienced was the loss of my gran, after 13 years of her being in my life it was the biggest blow. It has been 7 years since I lost my gran to Cancer but there isn't a single day I don't think of her and how crazy she was. Like I said I blame a lot for my gran dying I know I don't have magic powers that gives people disease and things but she helped me when I needed help and I couldn't help her in return. If you would like to see why check out my post on her here which just describes why she means so much to me. Anyway, even now to this day I miss my gran she was really wise and funny and I can never replaced that light in my life. However, only now for the past 2/3 years have I started to deal with it and do more things to make her proud of me. One of my biggest supports was Nathan as I honestly believe my gran planned for us to meet as there were so many consequences between us both. My grans father was actually in the same battalion as Nathan which really made all my family happy, not to mention Nathan's mum and dad are called Sarah and Simon and those are mine and my older brothers middle names (ZoeSarah and Kyle Simon). These small coincidences really reminded me of my gran and in the past few years I had really picked my life up and started working hard for the job I wanted which I got straight away. 

I suppose I am a very spiritual person and I believe my gran is an angel now, because when I am sad or scared I like talk to a picture of her and everything works out okay. I wanna be able to talk on here and tell the honest truth but for a long time after my gran passed I was very suicidal and I developed serious depression and anxiety. Feel free to judge me but I was bullied really bad and I actually took around 24 pain killers to overdose, luckily I am still here and I am so happy I am because meeting Nathan was one of the best decision of my life. I changed a lot of things in my life and inspired a lot of my life around my gran and her legacy. I know everything I do at work and me being closer with my mum would make my gran proud and honestly trying to make my gran proud still is how I deal with her passing. It is easier knowing she is out of pain and is probably having the best time in heaven, especially with her brother and the rest of her friends and family. I never see death as a goodbye but always a see you later, that is my favourite quote and I think it whenever I am sad and missing my gran. I am a very sentimental person so I keep photos off my gran with me and a necklace that she wore, that really comforts me massively. To me time is the biggest healer and that is a big factor on how I have coped because I need to keep making my gran proud and my family.

Onto the toughest topic to me, one that I have only brought to light recently. I know I am only 20 years old but 20 is better than 15/16 anyway me and Nathan did loose a child around 2 months ago now. It has taken me this long to talk about it because it really hurts the both of me but Nathan keeps it inside. We have wanted kids for around a year and a half and we were so excited. I am not giving massive details away because it does hurt me to write this but if I wasn't honest I would be me and this blog is about my army relationship too. We had began to buy things and just like my gran dealing with this I keep there things with me like a little bib or their comforter or a bear it helps a lot. I couldn't have coped without Nathan and my closest friends, I was angry at first because a lot of Nathan's army friends began to spread rumours and the wives were trying to get involved and get information out of the both of us but we kept this really personal. 

This is obviously the early stages of loss, but I am a lot better than I first was because the smallest things made me cry. Me and Nathan both have things to remind us of our little one I think it comforts us both, I think loss honestly makes you want to help and if it is for a specific reason that you loss this person to a specific reason like cancer or stillbirth then it makes you want to help others whether that is charity or if someone goes through it as well. That is one amazing way to cope for me it was anyway, this helped me a lot more working with cancer charities for my gran and neonatal charities for our little one. It makes you think you are helping someone else even if you couldn't help someone close to you one of my closest friends actually donated some of her hair to the Little Princess Trust which was AMAZING. By making myself more active like the gym and going on long walks I have kept my mind from wondering and thinking about my sadness and grief. For me and Nathan especially we have also taken to do a lot more activities like the gym in preparation for our holiday, cinemas and meals together because we get to talk and have a nice time together. I had found that by doing something in their memory like charity event or just something small like letting off a bunch of balloons or a lantern really helps as I did this for my gran and my little one. It's all about what feels best for you...

I hope this helped people or just gave some comfort to anyone dealing with loss as well. No one should ever have to suffer with loss alone as it does hurt and being surrounded by strong and positive people is always the best way to cope. Well that is all my little loves.

All my love,