I had debated writing this for such a long time because it is super hard for me. I suppose I should start with the basics. My name Zoesarah was a very old tradition where females in my family had the name Sarah in their names for the past 100 or so years. My dad chose to name me Zoe because he thought that no one would be able to shorten my name like as a nickname, same with my brother Kyle. For a lot of my younger life I was brought up influenced by my gran and I think a lot of her influence stays with me now. Anyway, onto her story...
Born to a working class family, her father Alfred a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers (same regiment as Nathan, weird coincidence) and her mum Sarah (haha see!) was a book keeper they had my gran on the 31st on January 1931 followed by my Uncle Alf on my birthday the 25th September 1941. (another weird coincidence) My gran has a child hood full of adventure living on a farm surrounded by animals such as horses which were her favourite. She experienced World War 2 as a young girl and from what I know was a helping hand when her dad was sent to India to fight.
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| My gran on the left with her best friend. So Stunning! |
Fast forward to 1957 and my gran had her first and only child a daughter called Lorraine (my mum) and raised her as a single parent. She did a pretty amazing job I must say because I have never seen someone as strong and loving or determined as my mum. I see my gran in my mum everyday from the way she acts to the things she says and I see myself turning into my mum.
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| My mum on the left with my gran |
So only my close friends know this about me but now it's something I'm not ashamed off, when my mum was pregnant with me she was told I was going to have Down's Syndrome or Spina bifida which is a condition where the spine does not develop properly leaving a gap. So the doctors told my mum to terminate her pregnancy, but when she asked my gran she told her not to because any problems they would deal with it anyway and love me unconditionally.
Prior to finding out she was having me in the November my uncle Alf died age 58 unexpectedly and it took a heavy hit on my family. But what do they say where there is death there is life and my mum unexpectedly found out she was having me. My gran told her Alf had never let her down and wouldn't now so she should keep me which is what she did.
So when the time came on the 25th September I was born at 6:31 in the morning at the time my uncle Alf died. My mum begged the doctors to tell her if I was okay and I was fine except for one small problem. I was born with one foot twisted completely inwards and my mum was told I would probably be in and out of hospital for the rest of my life with it.
My gran had some medical training even though she was a wage clark so she always looked after me the best she could, she was as hurt as my mum about my disability but she never let anyone put me down about it. So from an early age my gran would rub my ankle and it may have taken eight years but my foot started to straighten out and go the right way. Doctor's were seriously amazed because they wanted to put a metal plate in my leg to straighten it out leaving me with an ugly scar.
So from the age of eight and up my family especially my gran took me on walks and trips to help me get strength in my leg. I have a lot of strength now but it took me many years to learn to run and swim as well as just simply walking so it was hard. My gran was my biggest supporter though.
My gran was such a character though, she would do the funniest things.
One day me and my brother Kyle were with our friend Derek playing on Kyle's new phone one of them like Nokia bricks, and these two lads appeared form nowhere. They disappeared for a while and Kyle dragged me down the side of a ditch and Derek stayed to confront them, they began to beat him up demanding to hand over the phone but my brother had it and they couldn't find us. Meanwhile my brother rang my gran and she ran over to where we were in this like forest area, little did I know she would come over holding two bricks at which point the lads ran away. When we asked her 'why bricks?' she said 'I was gonna bang there bloody heads together, no one touches my grandkids'. At the time I didn't realise because I was so young they were trying to mug us. But a 70 year old lady with a broken spine saved me.
Another story, she was wearing this fluffy sweater one day and she rolls her on cigarettes. So she is rolling this cigarette goes to light it and WOOSH her jumper and her hair set on fire! So my mum runs to get a cloth from the sink slaps it on my grans face to put her out and when she removed the cloth my gran says 'I just disinfected that'. She then decided for the next week to pick me up from school with a plaster on her head hahaha!
Last story, my mum got a call early one morning to say someone broke into my gran's flat while she was asleep. My mum rushed down furious and worried sick, only to find my gran safe and well. Little did we know the guy had put a pillow over her face to try and kill her. we only found out when her face bruised up badly. Anyway, he barely stole anything but when the police spoke to her she said 'well he smelt lovely and had a nice voice but do you know it's been 30 years since I had a man in my bedroom' my mum was mortified but that was my gran hahaha!
Now it's been 7 years since she passed, like I said I miss her everyday and sometimes I need her help with bad situations. I really wish she had the opportunity to meet Nathan and her future great grandkids because she would love all of them, but sometimes I know she is with me. I believe she sent Nathan to me, I mean he is in the same company as my great grandad (my grans dad), Nathan's mum and dad's names are mine and my brothers middle names, and those are just a few. The support he gives me with dealing with the loss is overwhelming and she promised me she would look out for me and I know she has with Nathan because he protects me all the time.
It's obvious to say I wish she was back even for a day, my mum misses her terribly my whole family do. Yet, we tend to not dwell on the past because she was such a character that she wouldn't want us sad. I never thought Cancer would take my role model and ruin my world a little more but one day I believe there will be a cure to cancer and it will just a story. A curable story.
I try to make her proud everyday, our last conversation was about weddings and she promised she would be at mine. I think that's what urged me to become a wedding organiser to think of her everyday.
I know it seemed pretty rushed but I wanted to share this with you all, she meant the world to me and she deserves this post. She was and still is my everything and I love her endlessly.
Thank you my lovelies for reading this very long personal story.
All my love,
My gran had some medical training even though she was a wage clark so she always looked after me the best she could, she was as hurt as my mum about my disability but she never let anyone put me down about it. So from an early age my gran would rub my ankle and it may have taken eight years but my foot started to straighten out and go the right way. Doctor's were seriously amazed because they wanted to put a metal plate in my leg to straighten it out leaving me with an ugly scar.
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| my gran, me and my brother Kyle |
My gran was such a character though, she would do the funniest things.
One day me and my brother Kyle were with our friend Derek playing on Kyle's new phone one of them like Nokia bricks, and these two lads appeared form nowhere. They disappeared for a while and Kyle dragged me down the side of a ditch and Derek stayed to confront them, they began to beat him up demanding to hand over the phone but my brother had it and they couldn't find us. Meanwhile my brother rang my gran and she ran over to where we were in this like forest area, little did I know she would come over holding two bricks at which point the lads ran away. When we asked her 'why bricks?' she said 'I was gonna bang there bloody heads together, no one touches my grandkids'. At the time I didn't realise because I was so young they were trying to mug us. But a 70 year old lady with a broken spine saved me.
Another story, she was wearing this fluffy sweater one day and she rolls her on cigarettes. So she is rolling this cigarette goes to light it and WOOSH her jumper and her hair set on fire! So my mum runs to get a cloth from the sink slaps it on my grans face to put her out and when she removed the cloth my gran says 'I just disinfected that'. She then decided for the next week to pick me up from school with a plaster on her head hahaha!
Last story, my mum got a call early one morning to say someone broke into my gran's flat while she was asleep. My mum rushed down furious and worried sick, only to find my gran safe and well. Little did we know the guy had put a pillow over her face to try and kill her. we only found out when her face bruised up badly. Anyway, he barely stole anything but when the police spoke to her she said 'well he smelt lovely and had a nice voice but do you know it's been 30 years since I had a man in my bedroom' my mum was mortified but that was my gran hahaha!
So my gran was a major role model in my life, but when I was 13 my world changed. My mum sat me and my brother down and told me my gran had cancer and it had spread. There is no way to type it and beat it up and word it out, but she had bowel cancer and it had spread to her liver and she had 12 weeks to live. I couldn't process it and my gran denied it the whole time.
It was the bravest thing to see her enjoy my birthday, Kyle's and my mum's and then Christmas, she never gave up even when she was in a hospice she was so happy. Looking back now i know my mind has blocked out that time because she was so sick and I hated seeing the Cancer shut her body down but she was incredible and I couldn't explain to any of you how much of a hero she was to me.
Then the day came, my mum had a phone call from her nurse and she had found my gran on the floor. We rushed down and went straight to the hospital, she had a stroke and her cats had lay next to her cuddling her to keep her warm till help arrived. It breaks me knowing I didn't help her and get rid of her cancer like she helped me walk and I will always beat myself up about it. But anyway, she lasted 24 hours in hospital before she passed away early the next morning in the 4th of January 2009. I don't wanna write too much about this time because it gives me a lump in my throat but she has a fighter.
She had the most beautiful funeral and lilies on top of her coffin. We played Ronan Keatings 'If tomorrow never comes' on the way into the church and on the way out 'I will always love you' I read at her funeral about her life and it was so hard I can't even explain. Now it seems like it was yesterday and still so far away and long ago, but I miss her everyday.
I had a horrible time at school being picked on for crying and being weak about her passing but she meant everything to me so I made a Youtube video in her memory.
Now it's been 7 years since she passed, like I said I miss her everyday and sometimes I need her help with bad situations. I really wish she had the opportunity to meet Nathan and her future great grandkids because she would love all of them, but sometimes I know she is with me. I believe she sent Nathan to me, I mean he is in the same company as my great grandad (my grans dad), Nathan's mum and dad's names are mine and my brothers middle names, and those are just a few. The support he gives me with dealing with the loss is overwhelming and she promised me she would look out for me and I know she has with Nathan because he protects me all the time.
It's obvious to say I wish she was back even for a day, my mum misses her terribly my whole family do. Yet, we tend to not dwell on the past because she was such a character that she wouldn't want us sad. I never thought Cancer would take my role model and ruin my world a little more but one day I believe there will be a cure to cancer and it will just a story. A curable story.
I try to make her proud everyday, our last conversation was about weddings and she promised she would be at mine. I think that's what urged me to become a wedding organiser to think of her everyday.
I know it seemed pretty rushed but I wanted to share this with you all, she meant the world to me and she deserves this post. She was and still is my everything and I love her endlessly.
Thank you my lovelies for reading this very long personal story.
All my love,
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