My anxiety story

From a very early age I knew there was something wrong with me and being in public situations. Simple things would bother me and I would get really nervous and shaky about minor things like dinner time in primary school or the morning assembly. My teachers thought it would be an awesome idea to get me to do the music and projector with another class mate to boost my confidence. So basically I would put music on while everyone walked in and when everyone left and put music on for the hymn we would all sing while Mike did the projector. Maybe this is a British primary school tradition incase you have now clue what I am on about.

So as I said simple things would make my heart race and I could cry at simple things like my teacher picking on me to answer questions in front of my whole class. I felt a little bit like the class joke as I was rather big/tall and with frizzy hair and chubby cheeks so people either wanted to be my friend and play with me at playtime or leave me on my own. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach if I went up in public to get my lunch or if a teacher shouted at me I would start to cry.

I knew I get embarrassed very easily and even now I misinterpret things and get offended/down easily. So the older I got I would get worried about doing things like if I walked up to a door and it didn't say push or pull and I can't get in. I would worry incase anyone saw and laughed at me and thought I was stupid, likewise with automatic doors incase they didn't open. I grew this habit of hating to eat in public I still have it now but Nathan helped me conquer this, like I think people look at me and think 'aw fat girl stuffing her face' even if it is healthy like fruit or something. 

So from primary school to high school nothing changed I felt the same and I would worry about even going to school incase something bad happened like I got embarrassed or shouted at. Seriously, a teacher could tell me off or tell me to try harder and I would cry. It got a lot worse when my gran died because I felt hopeless and alone and she was my guidance and role model. So I would cry even more because my cry filter was on 24/7, I just hated being noticed in a room of people. Teacher asks me a question I would try so hard to get it right and work hard to understand because I couldn't face failure. 

prom 2012

Going to college was a huge decision for me, because I was bullied massively in school for my anxiety and depression I wanted a new start. It was shocking really because in Primary school I used to sing in the choir and always want a solo in the shows and I loved it but at the same time I hated being publicly embarrassed. So I started college and it was rocky I had to make new friends and everything because I left school with a handful, most of which went to the opposing college. Luckily, I met one of my best friend there called Emily. She is honestly a gem and brought out this sassy side of me where I was like 'fu' and I was happy, I knew I had met a best friend in here and we are still best friends 3 years on.

me and my Emily

So in 2014 a lovely chap walked into my life and changed my perspective he knew everything I went through and was such a sweetheart. He has helped me gain so much confidence and simple things like order food, going on dates and making simple chat on public is now normal to me. All while reminding me he is by my side and he loves me, I couldn't thank him or Emily more a long with my family for all they have done for me. I am a changed before still with anxiety and claustrophobia but I am a lot more calm and controlled.

If I could give advice to anyone I would tell them to talk to someone as it is hard and if you need to go to a doctor for tablets like I did do it. I have finally come off mine and it was like a goal for me to get off them. I may not have kicked anxieties butt but I am not controlled by it anymore. I control it and it's an achievement for me.

Well I am so glad I could share this with you all because it was super personal to me and special so thank you for reading it and I hope it helps someone out there.

All my love,

Army relationship rant...

So lately a few things have been bothering me, I have come down with a cold so I am an irritable blogger haha. So from my blog it is pretty clear I love my fiance and Nathan is a great guy but a few things about our relationship annoy me. The bright side about it is that it is not Nathan that upsets me but rather outside involvements.

So I have been with Nathan a year and a half (18 months) and we have had a really good relationship so far, we are pretty strong and a good example of an army relationship. The most irritating thing is the time apart but at the same time it gives us space to miss each other and get excited to see each other. Honestly though that is NOTHING compared to a bigger issue at the minute...

So me and Nathan have been engaged for nearly a month and a half and it is an amazing feeling. I get to look at a ring everyday and think 'I have a fiance' but this is the cause of the problem. So you know most of the time the way it goes, a couple that have been together normally a while and they get engaged well for some massive reason in mine and Nathan's life that is A HUGE PROBLEM!

Everyone is telling me 'Zoe don't listen to them don't get worked up' but it just annoys me so much! Me and Nathan have been through a lot in 18 months, I won't go into full detail because some things I want to keep private but most of all we deal with long distance normally a 200 mile (4 hours away) distance during the week. A long with finding a house, thinking about a family and a wedding. We decided already that we won't be getting married for 4/5 years, but we really want our own place to just be ourselves and not have people watching us all the time.

I love interior design so the thought of a home to decorate makes me so happy! But it's hard when I would live their full time and Nathan would be at camp unless i moved down to camp with him and we got a home there. So basically I would be on my own 5 days out of the week apart or sometimes longer.

Apart from these minor flaws, which really are enough to deal with because I would just love a home with Nathan and little babies and just a happy ever after. However, these seem nothing recently a lot of people are being rather interfering in regards to mine and Nathan's engagement. In regards to claiming we haven't been together long enough or we haven't experienced life enough. WELL let's just state me and Nathan are going into our 20's so we have experienced life and secondly i deal with the hardest kind of relationship LONG DISTANCE and one where my fiance could get SERIOUSLY INJURED at any moment. Where as the people stating their childish meaningless comments are with their partners 24/7 share a bed together, live together and could not go a day without each other. You know the classic Facebook moaner 'I miss bae' when they only left each other 5 minutes ago...

Me and Nathan wouldn't have spoke about getting engaged and having a family if we weren't committed 100% so why is it anyone else's problem? is it affecting them? no, is it messing with their life? no. So why are certain people so concerned, it comes across a lot of jealousy because me and Nathan know we are a strong couple and no one else can get engaged or married because we cant have a grown up lifestyle. Getting engaged does not mean we will have kids, get married, move far far away and never speak to anyone ever again. It means we are committed to each other and wanna support each and say we want one person for the rest of our lives to love.

I would think getting engaged is less commitment than a baby, I mean a baby means our lives change forever and we are parents and take on a human life to care for and teach. Whereas an engagement is a ring on a finger and promise to get married that's it. I would LOVE for one day for every couple to try mine and Nathan's relationship, because they would not cope with 4 months of it. I think it's so condescending and belittling to say to a couple 'you haven't been through enough' when I deal with more than they could ever imagine, I wouldn't wish a deployment on anyone but it's obvious not my side but Nathan's side of friends that they think our relationship isn't mature enough.

I put it down to jealousy, and pure pettiness of 'well they cant get engaged because I am and I'm the only person who can ever be engaged' simply grow up. I've got to the point I don't care anymore and I'll openly say I'm engaged and there's nothing they do to change it. Life goes on, this has bothered me for such a long time that I need somewhere to write it all down before i lost my marbles...

SO from now on I look it as 'if there is a problem with mine and Nathan's relationship/engagement then you go take his place at work while I spend time with him, because they are clearly taking there simply cushy relationships for granted while I have to toughest kind!

Well, rant over thanks my lovelies,

All my love, 

A very peeved 

Sarah Barbara Bowater - my hero!

I had debated writing this for such a long time because it is super hard for me. I suppose I should start with the basics. My name Zoesarah was a very old tradition where females in my family had the name Sarah in their names for the past 100 or so years. My dad chose to name me Zoe because he thought that no one would be able to shorten my name like as a nickname, same with my brother Kyle. For a lot of my younger life I was brought up influenced by my gran and I think a lot of her influence stays with me now. Anyway, onto her story...

Born to a working class family, her father Alfred a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers (same regiment as Nathan, weird coincidence) and her mum Sarah (haha see!) was a book keeper they had my gran on the 31st on January 1931 followed by my Uncle Alf on my birthday the 25th September 1941. (another weird coincidence) My gran has a child hood full of adventure living on a farm surrounded by animals such as horses which were her favourite. She experienced World War 2 as a young girl and from what I know was a helping hand when her dad was sent to India to fight.

My gran on the left with her best friend. So Stunning!

Fast forward to 1957 and my gran had her first and only child a daughter called Lorraine (my mum) and raised her as a single parent. She did a pretty amazing job I must say because I have never seen someone as strong and loving or determined as my mum. I see my gran in my mum everyday from the way she acts to the things she says and I see myself turning into my mum.

My mum on the left with my gran

So only my close friends know this about me but now it's something I'm not ashamed off, when my mum was pregnant with me she was told I was going to have Down's Syndrome or Spina bifida which is a condition where the spine does not develop properly leaving a gap. So the doctors told my mum to terminate her pregnancy, but when she asked my gran she told her not to because any problems they would deal with it anyway and love me unconditionally. 

Prior to finding out she was having me in the November my uncle Alf died age 58 unexpectedly and it took a heavy hit on my family. But what do they say where there is death there is life and my mum unexpectedly found out she was having me. My gran told her Alf had never let her down and wouldn't now so she should keep me which is what she did.

So when the time came on the 25th September I was born at 6:31 in the morning at the time my uncle Alf died. My mum begged the doctors to tell her if I was okay and I was fine except for one small problem. I was born with one foot twisted completely inwards and my mum was told I would probably be in and out of hospital for the rest of my life with it.

My gran had some medical training even though she was a wage clark so she always looked after me the best she could, she was as hurt as my mum about my disability but she never let anyone put me down about it. So from an early age my gran would rub my ankle and it may have taken eight years but my foot started to straighten out and go the right way. Doctor's were seriously amazed because they wanted to put a metal plate in my leg to straighten it out leaving me with an ugly scar.

my gran, me and my brother Kyle

So from the age of eight and up my family especially my gran took me on walks and trips to help me get strength in my leg. I have a lot of strength now but it took me many years to learn to run and swim as well as just simply walking so it was hard. My gran was my biggest supporter though.

My gran was such a character though, she would do the funniest things.

One day me and my brother Kyle were with our friend Derek playing on Kyle's new phone one of them like Nokia bricks, and these two lads appeared form nowhere. They disappeared for a while and Kyle dragged me down the side of a ditch and Derek stayed to confront them, they began to beat him up demanding to hand over the phone but my brother had it and they couldn't find us. Meanwhile my brother rang my gran and she ran over to where we were in this like forest area, little did I know she would come over holding two bricks at which point the lads ran away. When we asked her 'why bricks?' she said 'I was gonna bang there bloody heads together, no one touches my grandkids'. At the time I didn't realise because I was so young they were trying to mug us. But a 70 year old lady with a broken spine saved me.

Another story, she was wearing this fluffy sweater one day and she rolls her on cigarettes. So she is rolling this cigarette goes to light it and WOOSH her jumper and her hair set on fire! So my mum runs to get a cloth from the sink slaps it on my grans face to put her out and when she removed the cloth my gran says 'I just disinfected that'. She then decided for the next week to pick me up from school with a plaster on her head hahaha!

Last story, my mum got a call early one morning to say someone broke into my gran's flat while she was asleep. My mum rushed down furious and worried sick, only to find my gran safe and well. Little did we know the guy had put a pillow over her face to try and kill her. we only found out when her face bruised up badly. Anyway, he barely stole anything but when the police spoke to her she said 'well he smelt lovely and had a nice voice but do you know it's been 30 years since I had a man in my bedroom' my mum was mortified but that was my gran hahaha!

So my gran was a major role model in my life, but when I was 13 my world changed. My mum sat me and my brother down and told me my gran had cancer and it had spread. There is no way to type it and beat it up and word it out, but she had bowel cancer and it had spread to her liver and she had 12 weeks to live. I couldn't process it and my gran denied it the whole time.

It was the bravest thing to see her enjoy my birthday, Kyle's and my mum's and then Christmas, she never gave up even when she was in a hospice she was so happy. Looking back now i know my mind has blocked out that time because she was so sick and I hated seeing the Cancer shut her body down but she was incredible and I couldn't explain to any of you how much of a hero she was to me.

Then the day came, my mum had a phone call from her nurse and she had found my gran on the floor. We rushed down and went straight to the hospital, she had a stroke and her cats had lay next to her cuddling her to keep her warm till help arrived. It breaks me knowing I didn't help her and get rid of her cancer like she helped me walk and I will always beat myself up about it. But anyway, she lasted 24 hours in hospital before she passed away early the next morning in the 4th of January 2009. I don't wanna write too much about this time because it gives me a lump in my throat but she has a fighter. 

She had the most beautiful funeral and lilies on top of her coffin. We played Ronan Keatings 'If tomorrow never comes' on the way into the church and on the way out 'I will always love you' I read at her funeral about her life and it was so hard I can't even explain. Now it seems like it was yesterday and still so far away and long ago, but I miss her everyday. 

I had a horrible time at school being picked on for crying and being weak about her passing but she meant everything to me so I made a Youtube video in her memory. 

Now it's been 7 years since she passed, like I said I miss her everyday and sometimes I need her help with bad situations. I really wish she had the opportunity to meet Nathan and her future great grandkids because she would love all of them, but sometimes I know she is with me. I believe she sent Nathan to me, I mean he is in the same company as my great grandad (my grans dad), Nathan's mum and dad's names are mine and my brothers middle names, and those are just a few. The support he gives me with dealing with the loss is overwhelming and she promised me she would look out for me and I know she has with Nathan because he protects me all the time.

It's obvious to say I wish she was back even for a day, my mum misses her terribly my whole family do. Yet, we tend to not dwell on the past because she was such a character that she wouldn't want us sad. I never thought Cancer would take my role model and ruin my world a little more but one day I believe there will be a cure to cancer and it will just a story. A curable story.

I try to make her proud everyday, our last conversation was about weddings and she promised she would be at mine. I think that's what urged me to become a wedding organiser to think of her everyday.

I know it seemed pretty rushed but I wanted to share this with you all, she meant the world to me and she deserves this post. She was and still is my everything and I love her endlessly.

Thank you my lovelies for reading this very long personal story.
All my love,

My Pandora story...

This bracelet means the world to me, I have had it for just over a year now as it was a Christmas present of my parents along with my first 2 charms of Nathan to start it off. Each charm means something to me and I want to share this with all of you because it is a huge part of my life. 

So let's start with a basic overview of my bracelet.

My bracelet is the Pandora Charm Bracelet in Sterling Silver £55, I asked my parents for a bracelet but they chose me a simple one that they knew I would like. I'm going to start explaining my charms from left to right rather in order of buying/receiving them as it's a lot easier. I can say I am very lucky and all I asked for during the earlier stages of 2015 coming up to mine and Nathan's anniversary was charms and I bought one myself, so I am grateful.

So the first charm on the left is my Me & You charm I received this from Nathan on the day he returned from Canada along with Ralph Lauren Romance perfume which smells heavenly! I was so shocked with this charm as I didn't expect anything back from Canada but he complete surprised me and meant so much as this is not sold in Pandora in the UK and is one of a kind.

Next to this is the flower space £15 which I received of Nathan for my 20th birthday, I loved this spacer as I like flowers and nature and love taking long walks with Nathan and his dog through forests and things like that.

My third charm in is the one I bought myself. I purchased this from the Pandora near Lake Windermere in the Lake District, this was £30 and I bought this because I have always loved photography and textiles and taking photos of my work and keeping special memories.

Next to my camera is a charm I lusted for forever! I received this of Nathan for Valentine's day so it's almost a year old awww! I asked for this and hinted at this for the longest time but I think he took the hint. This charm is the My Princess tiara charm £30 and has the engraving of My Princess along the link. This is so sentimental to me as Nathan always calls me his princess.

Next up is one of the two charms I received when I got my bracelet. The heart spacer £15 was a charm Nathan picked for me along with the Gingerbread Man £30 for my first Christmas presents of him. I said to him I wanted a charm to represent love and Christmas but instead he picked me two charms rather than one because he does spoil me hahaha! I love these because they are my first ever charms and he really thought about me when purchasing them.

Next is the Openwork Heart Charm £20 which is one of 2 charms my mum has bought for my bracelet. She wanted to buy me a charm to represent love, this was bought for me at the same shop as my camera one in the Lake District as was a truly beautiful gift. 

Not surprisingly the next charm is army themed, if I could have got a tank charm I probably would have but the Toy Soldier Pendent Charm £35 was a perfect representation of my love for Nathan. I always the toy soldier emoji on my phone when posting about Nathan or whatever so this was perfect and the loveliest gift to receive from him for our 1 year anniversary.

Finally, this charm is the Heart Clip £35 I received this off my mum for getting a Distinction in my uni Textiles course so it was kind of a little well done treat. Again my mum chose a heart because she wanted to say she loves me and remind me of that when I wear it. I chose a clip purely to stop the bracelet from stretching and I want to keep it looking beautiful as it would really annoy me when my charms would swing round all over the bracelet.

I truly love my bracelet and intend to add more to it, I don't want a completely full bracelet just the centre part so I can only fit two more charms maybe onto the space.

  I decided to add in the last two charms I would like to add to my charm, the first up is the Tea Cup Charm £25 that I want to add next to my You & Me charm to represent my gran as she always loved cups of tea and tea parties and I really wanted something to remember her. The second charm is the Globe Clip £30 that I want to get for when me and Nathan travel or in fact just to represent that wherever he is we are always together and can work through the hard times.

Well that's all for now my lovelies! Hope you enjoyed the read I enjoyed writing it as it is like a personal story for me,

All my love,