My anxiety story

From a very early age I knew there was something wrong with me and being in public situations. Simple things would bother me and I would get really nervous and shaky about minor things like dinner time in primary school or the morning assembly. My teachers thought it would be an awesome idea to get me to do the music and projector with another class mate to boost my confidence. So basically I would put music on while everyone walked in and when everyone left and put music on for the hymn we would all sing while Mike did the projector. Maybe this is a British primary school tradition incase you have now clue what I am on about.

So as I said simple things would make my heart race and I could cry at simple things like my teacher picking on me to answer questions in front of my whole class. I felt a little bit like the class joke as I was rather big/tall and with frizzy hair and chubby cheeks so people either wanted to be my friend and play with me at playtime or leave me on my own. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach if I went up in public to get my lunch or if a teacher shouted at me I would start to cry.

I knew I get embarrassed very easily and even now I misinterpret things and get offended/down easily. So the older I got I would get worried about doing things like if I walked up to a door and it didn't say push or pull and I can't get in. I would worry incase anyone saw and laughed at me and thought I was stupid, likewise with automatic doors incase they didn't open. I grew this habit of hating to eat in public I still have it now but Nathan helped me conquer this, like I think people look at me and think 'aw fat girl stuffing her face' even if it is healthy like fruit or something. 

So from primary school to high school nothing changed I felt the same and I would worry about even going to school incase something bad happened like I got embarrassed or shouted at. Seriously, a teacher could tell me off or tell me to try harder and I would cry. It got a lot worse when my gran died because I felt hopeless and alone and she was my guidance and role model. So I would cry even more because my cry filter was on 24/7, I just hated being noticed in a room of people. Teacher asks me a question I would try so hard to get it right and work hard to understand because I couldn't face failure. 

prom 2012

Going to college was a huge decision for me, because I was bullied massively in school for my anxiety and depression I wanted a new start. It was shocking really because in Primary school I used to sing in the choir and always want a solo in the shows and I loved it but at the same time I hated being publicly embarrassed. So I started college and it was rocky I had to make new friends and everything because I left school with a handful, most of which went to the opposing college. Luckily, I met one of my best friend there called Emily. She is honestly a gem and brought out this sassy side of me where I was like 'fu' and I was happy, I knew I had met a best friend in here and we are still best friends 3 years on.

me and my Emily

So in 2014 a lovely chap walked into my life and changed my perspective he knew everything I went through and was such a sweetheart. He has helped me gain so much confidence and simple things like order food, going on dates and making simple chat on public is now normal to me. All while reminding me he is by my side and he loves me, I couldn't thank him or Emily more a long with my family for all they have done for me. I am a changed before still with anxiety and claustrophobia but I am a lot more calm and controlled.

If I could give advice to anyone I would tell them to talk to someone as it is hard and if you need to go to a doctor for tablets like I did do it. I have finally come off mine and it was like a goal for me to get off them. I may not have kicked anxieties butt but I am not controlled by it anymore. I control it and it's an achievement for me.

Well I am so glad I could share this with you all because it was super personal to me and special so thank you for reading it and I hope it helps someone out there.

All my love,