Getting personal: I was cheated on...

I am thinking this might be a new series on my blog because I do think I can share personal things on here without people judging. I'm probably gonna make sure my ex can't see this as I dated two guys since him and this relationship was 4 years ago over a 2 year period but he still denies he cheated on me even though the guilt is SO OBVIOUS! I'm pretty sure he would kick off as well if he saw this and I'm sure people will tell him #SNAKES but oh well!

 

So I met this guy when I was 15 and in year 10 at high school, he was very charming at first and seemed a cool guy but there were little things that should have been warning bells to me but I didn't clock on. We were from schools which could be classed as 'opposing' schools because they were nearby so we met up after school one day and just talked and went to a park. While he was with me his phone was none stop ringing and vibrating and for some reason it wound me up so I asked who it was and he told me it was his ex girlfriend. After a few more constant rings I answered for him and told her to 'get lost' pretty much and thinking about it now it was a horrible thing to do but thankfully now me and this girl are actually friends and we think this guy is a complete joke. Anyway, when it came to the 'making it public' scenario he was really hesitant to change his relationship status on Facebook and claimed 'my ex girlfriend will be really mad' and I didn't understand why because she knew he met another girl. In my mind I thought this relationship was like 4 months ago like a while ago break up how wrong was I... 

So above is a 15 year old Zoesarah with my Superman tops and parka and knee high converse haha. I mean I'm not a nieve girl but why he thought he could treat me like I was stupid from the get go I have no idea but I suppose I was trying to see the best in a blossoming relationship. Anyway, he was always very secretive with his phone so the later the relationship went on the more I noticed it. About a month after we got together he was hit with a 'pregnancy bombshell' of his ex apparently and I see it now that his ex didn't want to let him go which I will explain shortly. When I broke up with this guy I spoke to his ex and a few of his friends that he lost for messing me around and he was actually dating his ex girlfriend when he met up with me like they were seeing each other still as they had got back together or tried to work things out and he straight out started talking to me telling me he was single which explains why she phoned so many times when I met up with him because she had found out he was meeting another girl. I would be just as gutted, the problem is with my ex he had a lot of 'girls he classed as sisters' and we all know when the girl and the guy say they are like a brother/sister to them that's total crap they are pretty much flirting and super close. 

Throughout the relationship I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but towards the middle/end of the relationship around 9 months I was sick of messages of girls saying 'he's met up with me' or 'he's cheating on you' and I had met some great friends through this guy but none of them told me really so I did feel really betrayed. The worse part was that all the girls messaging me were 3/4 years younger than me and he was using vulnerable girls for sex because I point blank refused. No one deserves that, that's why I'm 110% about Nathan now because he treats me exactly how I deserved and better.

It was always he wanted a good relationship with a girlfriend that watched him play for the sports team he loved, but when he didn't get he wanted from me he went to other girls who were nieve enough to fall for his sweet talk. I can't deny he was good with his words he would tell me we were going to have kids and get married and things meanwhile he was telling girls he loved them and he was going to be with them and the biggest blow was that I wasn't his girlfriend. I mean at this age on your statuses and Blackberry Messenger name I had his name with a heart and he would never have mine. I thought it was because of other girls it was like a little hint at his behaviour. When I asked other girls however they were saying when he did just put a Z with heart he claimed it was for a girl called Zoe he knew that had died. That was pretty much the downfall, then one day he left his phone on the side and I had to know but what I found confirmed everything. He was talking to a girl saying he loved her, she was his everything and this poor girl was completely fooled. After that day things just went downhill and I found out more and more, until the day it all came to a head. 

So the above picture and the other picture of me in the long white dress was my prom, and this was during our happier times. The day we broke up however was really bad I received a text from another girl that I knew was in the picture saying they were 'like brother/sister' finally saying he had met her and they slept together and things and I just lost it. I drove to his house and stormed in in front of his parents and went complete crazy calling him a cheat and some horrible swear words and told him it was over and stormed out. His parents told him I was the best girlfriend he ever had and not to loose me and he did, and instead of coming after me he decided to get straight onto his Facebook and change his relationship status. Meanwhile I went to his best friends house because he was an awesome friend and he helped me through it and even he agreed I deserved better. When i saw he changed his status I knew he was more interested in other girls than me so i wasted no time. It took me around a year and a half to move on from him and date other people but pretty much straight away I felt free and happy. Happier than I had felt in a long time, but at the end of the day I was willing to share the guy I loved with anymore girls I was physically and mentally done.

These days I see true love, I see a guy that really loves me and I am completely smitten by him and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. After me my ex decided to do the exact same with the girl I caught him talking too, like people say 'once a cheat always a cheat' and I honestly don't think he will change. But why should I care? I have Nathan and he is honestly perfect! I do sometimes keep in contact with my ex but for the oddest reason it comes across like he has a problem with Nathan. OKAY! Storytime, so Nathan came to see me at college and as I walked out of the entrance with my two best friends my ex was stood nearby with his friends and as soon as he saw me he followed me outside. When I reached Nathan he surprised me by bringing his gorgeous Rottweiler Bertha, I honestly love that dog so I was super happy! Anyway we must have been talking for 20 minutes and my ex was stood staring for ages and when Nathan left we went back inside and he was still there. Little weird... But hey whatever! 

I honestly believe I am a better person now with a loving partner and I am so blessed, but no one should be treated like I was especially being manipulated and lied too. Feel free to comment if you have had similar situations, but this is my cheating story! Thank you for reading my lovelies.

All my love, 

My anxiety story

From a very early age I knew there was something wrong with me and being in public situations. Simple things would bother me and I would get really nervous and shaky about minor things like dinner time in primary school or the morning assembly. My teachers thought it would be an awesome idea to get me to do the music and projector with another class mate to boost my confidence. So basically I would put music on while everyone walked in and when everyone left and put music on for the hymn we would all sing while Mike did the projector. Maybe this is a British primary school tradition incase you have now clue what I am on about.

So as I said simple things would make my heart race and I could cry at simple things like my teacher picking on me to answer questions in front of my whole class. I felt a little bit like the class joke as I was rather big/tall and with frizzy hair and chubby cheeks so people either wanted to be my friend and play with me at playtime or leave me on my own. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach if I went up in public to get my lunch or if a teacher shouted at me I would start to cry.

I knew I get embarrassed very easily and even now I misinterpret things and get offended/down easily. So the older I got I would get worried about doing things like if I walked up to a door and it didn't say push or pull and I can't get in. I would worry incase anyone saw and laughed at me and thought I was stupid, likewise with automatic doors incase they didn't open. I grew this habit of hating to eat in public I still have it now but Nathan helped me conquer this, like I think people look at me and think 'aw fat girl stuffing her face' even if it is healthy like fruit or something. 

So from primary school to high school nothing changed I felt the same and I would worry about even going to school incase something bad happened like I got embarrassed or shouted at. Seriously, a teacher could tell me off or tell me to try harder and I would cry. It got a lot worse when my gran died because I felt hopeless and alone and she was my guidance and role model. So I would cry even more because my cry filter was on 24/7, I just hated being noticed in a room of people. Teacher asks me a question I would try so hard to get it right and work hard to understand because I couldn't face failure. 

prom 2012

Going to college was a huge decision for me, because I was bullied massively in school for my anxiety and depression I wanted a new start. It was shocking really because in Primary school I used to sing in the choir and always want a solo in the shows and I loved it but at the same time I hated being publicly embarrassed. So I started college and it was rocky I had to make new friends and everything because I left school with a handful, most of which went to the opposing college. Luckily, I met one of my best friend there called Emily. She is honestly a gem and brought out this sassy side of me where I was like 'fu' and I was happy, I knew I had met a best friend in here and we are still best friends 3 years on.

me and my Emily

So in 2014 a lovely chap walked into my life and changed my perspective he knew everything I went through and was such a sweetheart. He has helped me gain so much confidence and simple things like order food, going on dates and making simple chat on public is now normal to me. All while reminding me he is by my side and he loves me, I couldn't thank him or Emily more a long with my family for all they have done for me. I am a changed before still with anxiety and claustrophobia but I am a lot more calm and controlled.

If I could give advice to anyone I would tell them to talk to someone as it is hard and if you need to go to a doctor for tablets like I did do it. I have finally come off mine and it was like a goal for me to get off them. I may not have kicked anxieties butt but I am not controlled by it anymore. I control it and it's an achievement for me.

Well I am so glad I could share this with you all because it was super personal to me and special so thank you for reading it and I hope it helps someone out there.

All my love,